I've recently noticed that artistically, I have been feeling stuck in a rut. For those of you who didn't know, Nick and I are no longer moving to Naples, Italy. It was really upsetting to us both, but I can safely say that it's really impacted me. I was so excited for all of the unique opportunities that would come from spending 3 years living in Europe. I was dreaming of all the amazing things I'd get to do. I don't know. It's hard to understand how it feels until you are in this sort of situation. It's even harder when people are telling you "Everything happens for a reason". It's like, yes it does. but it REALLY SUCKS so please understand my disappointment and leave it be. We had the opportunity in the palm of our hands, and just like that, one Friday afternoon it was gone. I felt so empty. I still feel empty.
Luckily, we did recently find out that we were selected to live in Annapolis, Maryland which was on our list after we were told no Italy. So there is still some light. I'll be close to Baltimore and DC, two really awesome cities. But I don't know man. I've just been in a rut. I've been feeling down about nothing in particular but I noticed lately I lost the motivation to focus on doing what I love, which if you know me, is not me at all. I am a go getter and I don't just wait for opportunities to come to me. I guess as of lately, you could say I've just been feeling disappointed. The disappointment has had me hating anything I've been doing photographically and just in general. Like I said, I've just been feeling stuck. Stuck in the disappointment and stuck in the unknown that my life has been until about a week ago. I mean who likes to live their life in the dark? Who doesn't like to know what the next 6 months holds? I don't, which is why lately it has been so hard for me to feel excited.
Today, I looked at my timehop app and realized that this time last year, I picked up my cap and gown with some of the greatest photographers I know. It wasn't until today that I realized, wow. I don't deserve to feel like this. I have come so freaking far in just one year. Then, later in the morning, I was getting ready to place a client order and was looking over some of her images and I was like, wow, these are so beautiful and I am just so happy with how they came out. I had always been, but, you know, when you feel down you just kinda shut things out. I haven't really been looking at my work until today. In just a year, I graduated college and moved to Philadelphia then moved to North Carolina. I set up my own in-home studio and have had a steady flow of boudoir clients. I am achieving the things I set out to achieve. All I really need to do is shut the hell up and give myself a hug. I have made connections with incredible people down here, and even though some fell through, and there is much unknown, I am literally doing SOMETHING. I'm making success for myself. I am not waiting for someone to hand it to me. I am making the best of where I am and what I have to work with and that to me is a huge win.
I just wanted to share this with you, because more often than not, I go through bouts of discouragement. A lot of my colleagues come to me for advice and I always tell them that I struggle everyday just like them. It's hard, no matter how well you think you're doing or how well others think you're doing. The images below rejuvenated me and the work I do. The things I do with my talent impact and help others and that is amazing. It doesn't matter how popular your work is, how many "likes" on facebook you have, or what the fuck ever. If you are helping one person a day, you're living a successful life. On that note, I think I am going to post to facebook a little less. You'll still see images and sneak peaks and announcements, but I don't do what I do to show it off to the world. I'm not doing it to brag or anything. I do it for myself and for my clients. I also need to be living my life NOT through facebook. Kinda cliche but hey, everyone figures this shit out on their own, right?
I know I went on a rant, but I believe it's super important that we all remember that we're all human and it's OKAY to feel lost and confused and even a little depressed. It's how we know we are human and not a robot. I'm not perfect, and neither is my work, but I show up every day ready to help people.