Instead of exercising / working out as a way to punish my body and change it, I opted for a 5 minute dance party / jiggle fest.
*CONTENT WARNING* Talks of eating disorders and body dysmorphia*
If you’ve been hanging out with me in my corner of the world for a while, you probably know that I am in recovery from anorexia and currently working through body dysmorphia as a direct result from my eating disorder.
My journey has had many highs and many lows and as a photographer, I’ve had the unique opportunity to do the healing alongside my amazing clients. In a big way, my clients are a major source of inspiration for me to keep going and keep fighting the good fight. As I continue my work, it has always been my goal to share all the ways in which I am helping myself, with all of you.
Within the last year, I got back into therapy. This was huge for me.
After an incident that happened last August that seriously rocked me and challenged my recovery process, I knew that I needed help- even if I was deep into my own healing journey. Even though I had come so far, I still had so much work left to do. Even if I was offering ways for others to heal- I needed to take care of myself.
And that’s the beautiful part about healing - from anything. You do the work, you enjoy the fruits of your labor, and then you get seriously humbled and realize there are more layers to peel back and understand.
It was important to me that my therapist was a believer in HAES (Health at every size), was not just body positive but body neutral AND fat positive. This is crucial because as someone deep into my own journey, I needed to be working with someone who could really help me even further than I have helped myself. Thankfully the universe connected me with the most perfect (for me) therapist who has been a straight up BLESSING.
Over the last year, I have really been working through my body dysmorphia.
Because, while I realize even if I do have urges to restrict my diet / exercise for the wrong reasons, I am strong enough to work through those things. My hurt and pain comes from my own disconnection from my body. And the truth is, what I am learning, is that I have always been disconnected from my body. For as long as I can even remember. My eating disorder just truly exacerbated that behavior. Without going deep into it, as a child, I never really thought my body was wrong. I mean, I was definitely bigger and less athletic than my family members, but It never bothered me. It wasn’t something I thought I needed to change. It wasn’t until I was told that I WAS too chubby/big/”fat” (using this word as it was said to me), at the age of TWELVE, that I learned to see myself as that.
Where I once usually looked in the mirror and felt okay and neutral, I now saw what others had projected onto me. This is where my body dysmorphia began.
Body dysmorphia is a bitch. It is something that we have to constantly work through each and everyday. Part of that comes in the form of getting your photos taken. Having a boudoir session is what kickstarted my own journey. Seeing myself through the perspective of another was what changed ME. I get that not everyone can afford a boudoir session every time they are in need of a little extra love for themselves. So, what I want to offer you today is a little tool to help you work through those days where you feel the disconnect. Because YOU WILL have those days. It’s inevitable. But even when they happen, you will now have a new to navigate them.
Cellphone self-portraits. Truly a game changer.
About a month ago, I was having one of those days and didn’t have the energy to pull out my camera and tripod and invest time into self-portraits. I was hurting and it was impacting my day, and I needed a quick solution to working through my dysmorphia that day. So, I pulled out my cellphone, leaned it up on a candle (not lit lol) next to a window with great natural light and set my phone to the video setting. Setting to video allows you to record yourself moving, which is VERY IMPORTANT. Part of working through dysmorphia is letting your body jiggle, shake, and bounce.
We live in a time where we only want to show up and show the internet “our best, most flattering” angles and this is actually really harmful, not only in the moment, but for our future selves.
When we only take and share the most perfect photo, those are the things we have to look back on and it creates this disgusting cycle of constantly feeling like we were better before and need to change ourselves.
It’s not about perfection, friends.
It’s about letting yourself exist as you are and SEEING that and working through being okay with that.
Really focus on staying present & neutral.
Ways to do this are to remind yourself that your body is a living and breathing home for your organs and your bones, and it keeps you moving and grooving as you go through life. Also give yourself permission to not be “perfect” as you work through this. This exercise if for you and you alone. You don’t have to share these photos with the world. And it shouldn’t even be about the photos at first. The focus is on moving freely and unapologetically with your body and finding ways to enjoy that mindful movement.
It might feel awkward at first to set your camera to video and hit record- that’s okay.
Play your favorite Shakira song and jiggle away.
(These hips don’t lie)
Or, put on “gettin’ jiggy wit it” and get jiggly with it.
You can do this exercise and leave it at that or you can then take screenshots from your video and save them as authentic and beautiful little moments.
I love the how imperfect the above photos are. They capture my genuine energy as I was practicing this exercise. This is what freedom in my body looks like.
The best part is that once I took screen shots and threw a little black and white filter on it, I actually really loved these as photos. And I just took them with my cell phone!
The even better part was that I completely turned around my day and my mood. Instead of exercising / working out as a way to punish my body and “change it”, I opted for a 5 minute dance party jiggle fest. This small little act of love towards myself, was actually a very important decision I made that day.
Did I set out on a quest for perfect instagram-worthy selfies? Fuck no. That wasn’t my goal. My goal was to work on SEEING myself as I actually exist and learn to be okay with that. That was the goal, and that was the win.
If you’re still here and reading, thank you. As always, I am here for you whenever you want to book your own empowering boudoir session.